Feelings

So Paityn has been napping for a little while now, and although I am supposed to be cleaning the house I can't seem to tear myself away from the computer. I have been reading a blog that I came upon while visiting some adoption blogs. It is a blog from a birth mother named Jill, and it is her story. Her blog is www.thehappiestsad.com. I have been glued to it for over an hour. I have cried (sobbed, really) and smiled at the things that she has written. She writes with such honesty and emotion, it really makes my heart overflow.

Something that I have really got to thinking about while reading it is how incredibly blessed Mark and I are. I have known since we very first met Elisa how amazing she is, but I have a hard time putting into words how much she REALLY means to us and how much we love her. She has been an answer to so many of our prayers and the answer to the prayers of many others. We continue to pray for her daily and hope that she knows how much we love and appreciate her. We also pray for her family. Because when she placed Paityn in our arms on placement day, she was not the only one who wasn't going to be able to spend every day with that beautiful girl. We are so very appreciative to her parents, siblings, grandmas, cousins and so many others who helped and supported her through this.

I talk with Paityn regularly about Elisa, why she has Elisa's name, how much Elisa loves her, how amazing Elisa is, what Elisa likes to do, etc. And although I haven't been able to get through the discussion with her without crying, I believe that one day I will. And my tears aren't sad tears, they are tears of love and gratitude for Elisa. It is so hard for me to put into words how much I love her. I am so grateful that she is a part of our lives.

I know that Paityn is our daughter. People sometimes ask me if I feel like Paityn is really "mine." To that I have to answer, "YES!" I know that she is supposed to be in our family. I know that she is the little girl that came to Mark in a dream. And I know that God needed her to get to us in a non-traditional way because without Paityn, Elisa would not be part of our lives.

For some of you who read this blog, open adoption may seem like such a strange thing. You may think that it would be "hard" to "share" a child with a birthparent. But for us, it would be so much harder not to have Elisa in our lives. Thank you Elisa, for your love. Without you, I couldn't be a mommy.